CONTACT: The Ronald Reagan Astrological Society (800) RON-STAR

Prediction, NV(VPI). I don't mind telling you, it isn't easy being on the cutting edge all the time.

It's sharp out here on this edge, dear readers. Nasty sharp. Wicked sharp. Brand-new Buck knife that's got a Doctrine in Physics sharp, I'm talkin' 'bout here.

And the slightest mistake can cause me to slip off of this oh-so-pointy-sharp-edge into a deep abyss of mediocrity. And let me tell you, the poop pit in the abyss of mediocrity is a deep, pungent vat of evil. I have no desire to wade in it. Again.

But there are risks out here on the edge, and if thinks go all pear-shaped (Donington Park term) and I end up in that vat, so be it. I am not afraid.

You deserve to know what may well come to pass, way, way in the future. As I have done before, and as is my wont, I shall now get the really silly season under way before anybody else does. You WILL be surprised. I sure was. Behold the 2001 season:

VANCE AND HINES HONDA

This whole Ducati 996 business was just a ruse to get Jim Leonard and the boys ready to race a Twin Cylinder motorcycle. Gobert and Kocinski were hired not to win races (although there is certainly nothing wrong with that), but to put the team through a Baptism of Fire in terms of public relations issues. Gobert was brought in to see how the V&H organization would handle the infamous "a bit of a smoke" problem, as well as abbreviated practice times. Johnny K. was instrumental in forcing the team to deal with a "genuine artist/perfectionist," as well as teach them the value of "mechanical hygiene."

They passed their tests, and Honda was impressed. They shall receive the bikes, the tricky bits, the magnesium toilet seats, the Works. And who will ride for the VHH team?

John Hopkins, Roger Lee Hayden, and Scott Russell (first part of the year only).

Be afraid. And stuff.

YOSHIMURA HARLEY-DAVIDSON

Oh, don't act so surprised. That whole TL1000 business a year or two ago was just a ruse to get Dan Sakura and the boys ready to race a Twin Cylinder motorcycle. This was a natural progression, since more and more parts on street Harleys are made in Japan anyway. Some might say I'm trying to putting soy sauce on my french fries here, or season sushi with ketchup (depending on your point of view). But given the VR1000 needs some serious help in the engine, chassis, fairing, wheels, chain, tattoo, paint job and pit stand department, the Yosh guys may well be up to the task. Remember how the current champ GSXR sucked its first year? They could probably do the same thing with the Hog.

Riders: Pascal Picotte, Jay Leno.

AMERICAN APRILIA (FORMERLY AMERICA HONDA)

Still, you act surprised. This whole RC51 business was just a ruse to get Ray Plumb and the boys ready to race a Twin Cylinder motorcycle. With the retirement of Honda Motorcycle Sports Department Manager Gary Mathers, things are changing. The new guy at the top of the moto-masthead will be Jerry Mathers, also known as the Beaver. The Beaver likes Big Italian Twins, meaning things like the breasts of Sophia Loren and the pistons of the Aprilia SSV Mille SP. Like Honda, the folks at Aprilia have GP experience and think Michael Scott has the brain of a small Brazilian wood beetle. The transition will be painless.

Riders: Randy Renfrow, Doug Polen, Scott Russell (later part of the year only).

Umbrella Girl: Sophia Loren

MAIERS KAWASAKI

This is an interesting development, because it basically came into being by mistake. Someone up in upper management at Kawasaki saw a Larry Maiers Speedvision broadcast in a crowded, smoke-filled tavern, and due to his position at the bar thought it was Rob Muzzy that was interviewing Aaron Yates.

Ever since the split-up between the Muzz and Kawasaki, they've wanted his expertise back (but not the rest of him). But in this smoky bar, the party in question said, "Aawww, what the hell. I want him [pointing to Maiers on the screen] running our team. I don't care about the past."

A young assistant with a palm pilot immediately relayed his boss' wishes to headquarters, and that was that. What was Maiers going to do? Say no?

Oh right. And Larry was going to be the new color guy on Monday Night Football, but they wouldn't give him a golf cart with a hot tub in it. Sheesh.

Riders: Freddie Spencer, Luca Cadalora, Scott Russell (mid-to-later part of season only).

FAST BY FERRACCI YAMAHA

Ah, yes, the Obi-Wan Cannoli of the paddock shall return! This whole MV Agusta business was just a ruse to get all those Ferraccis ready to race a Four Cylinder motorcycle. The Old Man will get back into the game, and he'll be pissed. He'll have the R7 shrieking like a stuck David Edwards in no time, and the competition should beware: this time it's personal. Oh, the friendly pasta lunches will still be there, but now they'll be a bouncer in the guise of one David Sadowski.

Riders: Rich Oliver, Jocelyn, Scott Russell (pre-season testing only).

MUZZY TRIUMPH

I hate to say I told you so, so instead I'll say, "six biscuits does not a pizza make." I've been saying this Triumph/Muzz thing was going to happen for months. The whole Muzzy Kawasaki business was just a ruse to get all those Gary Medleys ready to race a Foreign Made motorcycle. Muzzy and Triumph is a perfect mix, even if they don't really have a Superbike to race yet. So incredible are the talents of the Mustache, I'm confident he can whittle a winner out of even a cute little 600 like the TT. Plus, he has been frothing at the mouth to vex the AMA with his wild fuel injection mapping, which was created using Muzzy's unique Air Fuel Mixture/Xena Warrior Princess Virtual Reality Developmental Playscape. I actually feel sorry for the competition.

Riders: Tom Kipp, Chris Carter (just from the garage to the pits), Scott Russell (last race only).

And what of Suzuki and Ducati you ask? And how about racers like Mladin, Duhamel, Yates, Hacking, Chandler, etc.? Well, all of these companies and/or racers are leaving the AMA Superbike series for the new Reform Superbike Series. As of right now, though, there's no schedule because they're fighting about who will decide whether they ride in the rain or not. It could get violent. Stay tuned.