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CONTACT: The Rolling Billboard Racing Network (800)GIT-RDONE

OCEANDECK, FL (VPI) You guys are all too familiar with the expression, "When Hell Freezes Over," right? The problem with this popular wordspew is that, in theory, once hell freezes over that should be that. What I mean is, once hell freezes over it seems damn unlikely that the sucker could freeze, then thaw, then freeze over again. And again. Repeat. Ad nauseum.

Yet, I'd swear hell has been freezing over a hell of a lot lately.

Multiple times, in fact. Like, oh sure, World Superbike is gonna go to spec tires and they're gonna be Pirellis. We're going to take the most popular, dynamic road racing series on the planet (at the time-be honest, it was) and put the guys on lesser tires because, well, it would be fairer that way. Or whatever.

Yet, they did it. Hades had an ice age, Souplings. And Honda, Kawasaki, Yamaha, Suzuki? They pretty much yanked all serious factory involvement in the series before that, once they saw where things were going. The big guns, in terms of talent? No disrespect to the current riders, but they're gone. Just think back to just a few years ago. My god man, the series rocked! The Fog, the Slight, The Colin, the Haga, the Gobert, the Bayless, it was epic. I loved it so.

Now, I have to admit I still like watching the WSC guys slide around just because I can't let the thing go entirely. But let's be honest: WSC is a flea on the butt of the shadow of what it once was. Brrr. It's chilly in here.

On a different note, ponder this: it was not all that long ago where well-reasoned, seasoned minds thought that 2-strokes would always rule the premier class of GP racing. The bees from hell would never add valves and cams and stuff like that, right?

Oh boy. Git me muh Red Wing Snow Boots, pronto. It happened. Big Time.

Then, another arctic bombshell, one that in my fragile world actually puts all the other When Hell Freezes Over episodes on the trailer in disgrace, is this whole "FX bikes in the 200" business. In fact, when this W.H.F.O. moment occurred, I loudly inquired to no one in particular, W.T.F.??

So you see, we are in an age where even certain southern climes where evil resides are experiencing tundra-like conditions. I hate to sound pessimistic, but it seems like it's never going to stop. And now, through the power of computer hacking and getting people hammered on Olive Garden Chianti to the point where they ramble on about sensitive secrets in the wee hours of the morning, I have seen the ultimate iceberg floating in the River Styx. Yes, it has happened. NASCAR is truly infecting AMA Superbike racing, in ways even the Wise Ones never thought possible.

"Yes, it has happened. NASCAR is truly infecting AMA Superbike racing, in ways even I never thought possible."

These shocking (though rather predictable) words came from SuperbikePlanet.com's in-house fork-fencing instructor and Certified Wise One, Cam Keveron.

"I know, everyone thought motorcycle roadracing would get shoved off the telly by NASCAR, and that would be the worst of it," grunted Cam with great effort, as he had just backed Ohlin-equipped Tim Huntington into the corner with an awesome thrust-then-parry move with his blazing Showa.

"I'll admit that even KEEP YOUR GUARD UP, HUNTINGTON! Sorry. I'll admit that even I didn't think this would happen. But damn, the world has really gone off the tracks and Pooched the Screw. Why wouldn't this happen, especially at the World Center of Racing? OUCH! BASTARD! That's gonna leave a mark!

Keveron backed Tim down the stairs and out on the street, and I could barely hear him. But I did glean this much: this FX-in-the-200 crap is merely a ruse. Didja read Mat's column? Did you encounter the term restrictor plate?

Yes, you did. And where there are restrictor plates there are big-ass goofy oval tracks with no real road course elements. And so it will be with the 200. The Daytona 200 is turning into the Daytona 500, only shorter, and the cars only have two wheels.

Restrictor plates. Sheesh. Behold, the birth of the NASBIKE!

"I'm getting too old for this crap," sighed our man Cam as he removed his fencing garb and grabbed a cold SoupBrew (the low carb beer that racers love!).

"You know, the Superbikes we had up to this moment were awesome machines. Incredible, really. State of the art speed technology, that like no other form of roadracing was ultimately translated to the products for the street. But now, all this is in grave danger. I think we're about to start taking the big step backwards, and I fear for our future. Man, this beer is awesome! Shame it doesn't really exist."

He's right, you know. But now that we're once again sliding down the slippery frozen slope, let's look at what's happening. The whole point of using FX bikes in the 200 is to slow things down, just like using restrictor plates if you will (and as I said, Mat Mladin makes this observation in his column which was clearly written in-between training sessions that clearly DID NOT involve bicycles 'cause he's moved on, so to speak).

"I think Mat hit the nail on the head with his choice of words," Cam continues, now clearly getting loose from imbibing the charming Soup intoxicant.

"Once you got your restrictor plates, you then move to dump the whole infield road course because there's too many tight turns in it and it's dangerous, right? So what we need is to run at Daytona on just the big-ass oval. We need to have a level playing field, so all the "bikes" will have V-twin pushrod motors with carburetors (and restrictor plates). Keep the technology simple, so simple people can deal with it and they don't have to think too much. Put lots of big bodywork on the machines so there's room for more sponsors. You see, the whole motorcycle thing will really become NASBIKE because the fans will demand it. They don't want some tiny, high performance rocket bikes on a complicated road course. They want a bunch of big ol' jelly beans going in a big circle and crashing into each other on occasion. It's where it's at, bubba!"

Right before my eyes, our gifted fork-fencing instructor and Certified Wise One transformed into something frightening; something . . . Depressing. He grew in girth, he developed a drawl, and he seemed to have difficulty with lap times, preferring MPH instead.

Sad, really. Very Sad. It was a true Animal Farm moment, and I hate Animal Farm moments. Man, we're having a lot of 'em these days. And 1984 moments, too.

But surely such things are exaggerations that will never come to pass, like spec tires in World Superbike, 600s as the Formula Xtreme class, and the Formula Extreme class as the spec for the Daytona 200.

Right?

Yeah, sure.

A cold wind is blowing once again. Four Wheels good, Two Wheels Bad!

Beware.