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WORLD SUPERBIKE TO  SWITCH TO TWO-STROKES
Satire by Ohlin Metzeler

ASSEN (VPI) In a startling development that, to be honest, was so startling I damn near startled in my pants, a source close to a guy who inspects the parking facilities for all  FIM events revealed to this reporter startling news about the year 2000 World Superbike season.

"This is really gonna startle you," he said.

He was right, too. While all you people are conjecturing, prognosticating and pontificating about whether or not GPs will adopt an additional two strokes to the pair they already have, the World Superbike Powers-That -Be (PTB) have decided to lash out at the upstart Grand Prix community in what can best be termed as a startling preemptive stroke. Sorry, strike.

"We're dumping the four-strokes, and all World Superbike events will be two-stroke only from the year 2000 on," stated Desmo Advantage, a completely unofficial spokesman for the World Superbike Atlantic Treaty Organization (WSATA).

"We are the premier roadracing class now, and every body knows it," he continued. "Who do these GP people think they are, anyway? How dare them try to get a piece of our action by letting the manufacturers run billion-dollar four-strokes with their oil burners! Their series is fat, bloated, boring and elitist, and they think they can steal our thunder by adding more steps to their combustion process. Jerks.

"We will show these stuck-up loafer-wearing bastards why we have a better fan response," he continued, after taking a hit of nitrous oxide from a passing race dentist in a golf cart.  "The reason the punters dig our series more than GP's is the level of competitiveness, the personalities, and the fact that Carl Fogarty's race bike is basically identical to any Ducati Monster you could buy at a dealer. Nobody gives a crap about cycle format of the engine. The number of strokes means nothing, except in certain parts of Amsterdam. We are going to make these jealous GP promoters look like the fools they are, by beating them at their own game. Hey, you wanna piece of World Superbike? Then stroke this."

Mr. Advantage then stood on an ELF  fuel drum and did some strange pelvic thrusting movements for what I thought was way too long an interval. Then, he continued.

"We're going full steam a head with two-strokes, and just like before, we're allowing only production-based machinery. Oh yes, there will be one difference. By 'production based' I mean based on something that is loosely based on engine technology that is used in any products a company makes. This way, any type of bike the manufacturers want to run is fair game, as long as it's got a two-stroke motor. Additionally, we'll bring a whole new bunch of fresh faces to the party when companies that have never built a motorcycle before join the fray."

This sleazy pervert may be on to something big here. By opening up the field to manufactures such as Lawn-Boy, Toro, Stihl and Leaf-Be-Gone (who insiders claim have always wanted to build a Superbike that can "blow away the competition") we may see all kind of bizarre, trick, and incredibly stupid racing machines filling the grid in 2000.

Evinrude and Mercury have long had their hand in souping up engines for boat racing, and are itching for a slice of what the bass-harvesting set calls the "terrestrial market." Even more interesting is the inclusion of chain saw manufacturers in the mix, and Mr. Advantage claims that the tree-felling connection could reap huge rewards in the U.S. market.

"A two-stroke race machine from McCulloch or Stihl would bring all kinds of auto racing people into our sport," he said. "Our demographic analysis shows that 78% of the fans that spend at least $5,000 per year on NASCAR-related merchandise own at least two chainsaws. The remaining percentage has at least one can of two-stroke oil somewhere in their garage.  These people will embrace World Superbike, and root on their favorite companies. The merchandising possibilities alone are startling."

There's that word again, and you thought I was exaggerating. But wait. . . there is a potential status-quo problem here. What about a company like Ducati, who is already racing but has no two-stroke line to draw from?

"Aww hell, a two-stroke is just a four-stroke with fewer parts, right? What's the big deal?" responded Advantage.

As for the riders, the top five points leaders at the World Superbike race in Assen declined comment. So did the other 30 or so riders that where there, too.

Mr. Advantage says that the riders are all supportive of the change, though, and claims that one rider, Doug Polen, is a shoe-in for the new series. He claims the Texan will ride the new Superbike from Poulan chain saws, which is currently undergoing testing in Seattle, Washington. He says this, even though there is no evidence whatsoever that the two parties have ever met, gone fishing, or talked about a contract.

"Hey, Doug's a former World Champion, and the slogan 'Polen and Poulan, an unbeatable combination' can't fail, right? I mean it's a no-brainer."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

ENDS