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HAYDEN CONSPIRACY EXPOSED!
By Ohlin MetzelerJASPER, ALBERTA (VPI) This is one of these stories that you people probably won't believe. That's a shame, because it's incredibly important. But that's O.K.; you just go on drooling over those RC-51 pictures from that illicit V-Twin website and ignore the world around you. I know your type. You prefers mindless distractions to encounters with reality. You just pull the wool over your beady little eyes then, the way you always do when the truth suddenly appears in your path (like a backmarker who thinks he has every right to be wobbling along on the racing line even though you've already lapped the whining dork twice).
As always, you make me sad.
But for those few brave souls out there who can stand the truth (pathetically few in number though you may be), here's the shocking, knee-rattling reality: The AMA Superbike series does not consist of riders such as Ben Bostrom, Mat Mladlin, Doug Chandler, Miguel Duhamel or the artiste formerly known as the Go-Show. Oh, you may think these fine athletes are called these names, but the truth is different. Scary, in fact. Boy oh boy.
And what is this truth, pray tell? These guys are all Haydens. Every last one of them.
Shocking, eh? Hey, dude, are you O.K.? Here, take a sip of Brandy from this flask I lifted off of a nun who was changing a flat tire. Better? Good. I know how you feel. When I discovered that all these guys were really part of a huge Kentucky family it hit me hard, too. It was a stinging blow, much like the mighty haymaker Rob Muzzy must have delivered to Ben Afleck when the former Oscar winner allegedly said riding his Raptor made him feel like "Filthy Underwear Guy." What, you didn't HEAR about that? Never point your browser anywhere else, idiot, and you'll stay up to speed.
Anyway, I discovered that the entire top ten of the 1999 field were really Haydens when I noticed that a hobbit with cool shades riding in an AMA 750SS race was young Roger Lee Hayden. "What the. . . ." I said, when I later observed this rapid munchkin zooming through the paddock on a pit scooter. "Great Lawson's Kneepucks, how many Haydens are there, anyway?" This statement, which I screamed at the top of my lungs while gesturing towards the sky, resulted in blank stares from several guys at the Dunlop truck. This scene was like a Twilight Zone episode, I was later told by a vendor of billet MV Agusta toilet seats.
You see, it turns out that Hayden family has completely infiltrated the Superbike field. Don't let the foreign nationalities, accents, or a complete lack of physical resemblance of some of the riders to other Haydens fool you; these competitors are all of the same genetic stock. I can prove it. Sort of. O.K., I can't prove it without a bunch of genetic tests, and unfortunately amasuperbike.com's crack genetic tester (world-renowned forensic motorcycle archeologist Dr. Denton Armco) is currently stranded on a burning cruise ship.
But like a good juicy congressional investigation, I've never let a complete lack of evidence stop me from reaching astoundingly controversial conclusions. You may know some of these racers by other names, but I assure you that at one time they all took their meals at the same massive table, not far from the tobacco fields and the world's most famous venue for horse racing. These brothers also spent well over an hour every evening (after dirt-track practice of course) saying goodnight to a veritable warehouse full of siblings.
And now, for the first time anywhere on this tiny, confused little planet, I will disclose the real names of these well-known racers:
Mat Mladin: Yahoo Hayden
Ben Bostrom: Glitter Hayden
Rich Oliver: Seth Hayden
Anthony Gobert: Smoky Hayden
Doug Chandler: Stretch Hayden
Jamie Hacking: Jamie Lee Hayden
Aaron Yates: Double-A-Ron Hayden
Miguel Duhamel: Frenchie Hayden
Scott Russell: Can't Duck Hayden
Steve Crevier: Roscoe Lee Hayden
Larry Pegram: Tex Hayden
Tom Kipp: Jump-boy Hayden
Pascal Picotte: Elfin' Magic Hayden
Tommy Hayden: Tommy Hayden
Matt Wait: Lodi Hayden
Steve Rapp: Coifed Hayden
Damon Buckmaster: Stiffy Hayden
Shane Clark: Shane Clark Hayden
Frightening, isn't it? Yep, for me too. But look at this way: at least the racing will continue to be great. And that, in the final analysis, is all that really matters.
ENDS
