FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASECONTACT: CLOWNS-O-PLENTY (800) BIG-SHOE
THE REALLY, REALLY SILLY SEASON
By Ohlin Metzeler
Don't you just love the raw absurdity of life? The crazy twists, turns, and pavement irregularities?
Yeah, I think it's crap, too. But, we must negotiate life's inconveniences (such as track security guards that think they're guarding the Pentagon) and press on. And I admire people who are able to do this pressing on, because it ain't always easy. And judging by the following information I'm about to pass on to you, we will all be admiring a number of people who will be pressing on through tremendous adversity this next season.
What follows are not predictions, and they should not be regarded as such. Think of them as likely scenarios, derived from years of experience along with a combination of ancient tribal prognostication techniques involving chicken bones, old oil filters and iguana-flavored pop tarts. If such unconventional methods disturb you , just remember that the information derived from said methods are not the obscure mental backfires of a strange, unbalanced troll, but powerful insights into the inner workings racing world. Of course, I can't vouch for their accuracy of these statements; I will however vouch heart and soul for the fact that these changes for the year 2000 race season could very well happen. Stranger things have occured, especialy in my dreams after unusually large chicken dinners.
Y2K SILLY SEASON REVELATIONS
CYCLE WORLD covergirl, CYCLE NEWS T.V. commercial star and paddock arousal unit LEE ANN TWEEDEN will leave Vance and Hines and go with TEAM KAWASAKI, mistaking ERIC BOSTROM for his brother due to the similarity of their last name. She will realize her mistake by mid-season and return to wearing VANCE & HINES sportswear, and also dump her ESPN contract for a gig at SPEEDVISION, taking over for departing LARRY MAIERS.
And speaking of MAIERS, this amiable announcer will leave his superbike commentary position for a new post at THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL, where he will be the color commentator for NUDE LAWN SPORTS at the PLAYBOY MANSION. Good on ya, Larry.
Newly crowned AMA Superbike Champion MAT MLADIN is alleged to have made enough bonus money from SUZUKI for winning their first AMA Championship since 1723 that he is BUYING the AMERICAN MOTORCYCLISTS ASSOCIATION. Rumor has it their will be SIGNIFICANT CHANGES to the racing side of the organization, including BANISHING some soon-to-be former race officials to an island near the BIKINI ATOLL, where the CIA's shadow government is planning to resume NUCLEAR TESTING early next year. Ouch!
JIM ALLEN will leave Dunlop for a new job at GOODYEAR'S big-ass TRACTOR TIRE DIVISION. Interestingly, he will more that likely be working once again with ROB MUZZY, who will be running a new racing team. This time the mustache will be forego motorcycles, though, and field GOODYEAR-equipped monster trucks. This will include a modified Ford that will be called (what else?) THE RAPTOR. His crew chief will be AL LUDINGTON (his move to KAWASAKI will be really brief as he will become allergic to the color GREEN), and their driver will be SCOTT RUSSELL, who will make-up with MUZZY after a brief, violent scuffle.
KAWASAKI, by the way, will feature a lot of innovations in their new in-house FACTORY ROADRACING TEAM. These will include a NINJA ROLLER COASTER RIDE that will be towed behind their transporter and set up as part of the part of their PADDOCK ENTERTAINMENT CENTER. A live band called the TEAM GREEN MACHINE will feature the SOLID GREEN DANCERS led by former TRACEY ULLMAN choreographer PAULA ABDUL.
DR. ARTHUR TING will leave sports medicine for a new post at APPLE COMPUTER, where he will work with STEVE JOBS on THE TIN MAN PROJECT. This ambitious, TOP SECRET endeavor centers around a MACINTOSH G-4-POWERED cybernetic robo-rider that will be constructed mostly of SCREWS and STEEL RODS.
RANDY RENFROW has finally been recognized for the indestructible human he is, and will be drafted for a FACTORY SUPERCROSS RIDE. He is expected to be riding competitively well into his fifties. No, sixties. He's that tough.
CARL FOGARTY, appalled by the state of COSMETIC DENTISTRY in GREAT BRITAIN, will renounce his UK citizenship and move to BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA. He is expected to ride the vacated HARLEY-DAVIDSON VR-1000 vacated by SCOTT RUSSELL, which will be tuned by former AMA and World Superbike Champ DOUG POLEN.
Big shakeups on the journalism front. Petersen Publications, recently acquired by a British Publishing Empire will be sold again, this to MARTHA STEWART LIVING's high-performance PREPPIE PERIODICALS division. Magazines such as MOTORCYCLIST are expected to drop their recently acquired BAD BOY STREET HOOLIGAN persona and assume a well-dressed, CULTURALLY REFINED DEMEANOR complete with columns on HELMET ART and YUMMY TRACK-SIDE APPETIZERS.
Legendary journalist-racer-commentator NICK IENATSCH is rumored to be considering a position in the new BUSH ADMINISTRATION as SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE. This makes no sense to this reporter, but there you go.
LIFE is STRANGE. Get USED to it.
More on this situation as conditions warrant, and I figure out why my CAPS LOCK key keeps ENGAGING for NO APPARENT REASON.
ENDS
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