FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASECONTACT: Three Mile Island Fishing Club (800) HOT-BASS
NUKE ACCIDENT SPAWNS MUTANT MENACE
By Ohlin Metzeler
SUGO, JAPAN (VPI) If I seem distracted, you're going to have to bear with me. I'm rummaging as I write, and can't seem to find my damn lead leathers, flame-thrower, or Hungry-Man aluminum foil which I'm gonna loan a certain Superbike rider this weekend for the final WSC contest of the '99 season.
The Sugo event is in danger. As you may have heard, some goof (I believe his name was Horichiro Simpson) dropped a jelly donut in the coolant pool of a nuclear reactor in nearby Tokaimura, and this vile pastry caused some sort of chemical "reaction" that became an "occurrence" and later blossomed into an "incident." The bottom line is a "teensey-weensey" bit of "radiation" leaked out and we nearly had a "meltdown." This damn near caused the nuclear core to collapse, initiating the "Pennsylvania Syndrome" as it is known in this part of the world. As a result of all this bad science, a lot of riders don't want to ride this weekend and I don't blame them. I'm on there side, and not for a fear of radiation sickness. There is something much dangerous lurking in the fog out there.
Of course, local officials at the power plant in question are denying that anything mega-serious "took place." But I know better. You see, dear friends and Gobert groupies, I know what to look for when it comes to nuclear incidents. I especially know what to look for when some radiation escapes anywhere near Japan, because you can always tell when some bad atoms are floating around the countryside. You know how?
One word: Godzilla.
And I bet you thought that was just a movie. Or several movies. And cartoons, comic books, computer games, marital aides, etc., etc. But the fact is Godzilla was real, although he's now stuffed and resides in a secret location not far from the London Bridge. This structure is now found just outside Lake Havasu City in Arizona.
You know. . . God's country.
Incidentally, the reason Godzilla is located somewhere near this resort community makes for interesting conversation during bench racing. Godzilla met his end while on one last rampage that destroyed most of the Eastern Hemisphere (we heard little about this in the States because it was during the OJ trial).
After this gigantic reptile was confirmed "really, really dead this time" by scientists, Yamaha purchased his carcass and gave it to Eddie Lawson "in appreciation for years of devoted service." Eddie is quite proud of his 50 ft. mutated lizard, and there was going to be an article about it (with pictures) in American Roadracing until, well, you know. Print is dead, or so they tell me.
Hey! I found my radiation-proof lead back protector! Cool. . .Colin will be psyched.
Anyway, the best way to tell if you have a radiation problem is if Godzilla is roaming the countryside and uprooting trees, destroying rail lines and burying bed and breakfasts with his massive, glowing scat.
"Wait a minute," you say, dropping your Dreamsickle on your keyboard where it is making your keys all sticky. "You said Godzilla was dead."
No, I didn't. And Luke's father was killed by Darth Vader, too. O.K., I'm kidding. I'm a kidder. Godzilla IS dead, and we're not likely to see his like again because that breed of lizard (who without radiation is only four inches tall and has a breath like a Bic lighter) has been wiped out to make sure this big lizard stuff can't happen again.
However, another creature has been inundated with "happy atoms" (as Eric Bostrom might say) and thanks to this errant radiation we have a new, mutated organism that is terrifying the Montegi circuit. She is Hayabilla, a fire-breathing, mega-ugly Japanese falcon with a 300-foot wingspan and a top speed very close to the speed of sound. Not to be confised with TBR's Rodan.
"This is a very bad ladybird," confirmed Akira Gammera, a retired sumo who currently sells peanuts at the track. He also specializes in mutated wildlife, and spoke to me via geisha from his home in Tokyo. "Riders, corner workers, all in danger," he continued, his voice a high squeak (or maybe it was the geisha). "Airfence on fire. Fogarty shaking uncontrollably. Slight babbling about dual-compound tires being useless against Hayabilla. Chili acting religious. All are afraid."
And so they should be. According to witnesses, Hayabilla has a shriek that shatters glass, a beak that can slice through a billet school bus and a breath more toxic than illegal qualifying fuel. One flap of her might wings causes umbrella girls to take to the skies like very naughty Mary Poppinses. Apparently this bugle from hell can cover some ground, too, and I'm told that just before she overturned Yanagawa's motorhome at Sugo she dropped an egg on HRC headquarters many, many miles away. The damage all that yolk did has temporarily disrupted RC-51 engine assembly, so all you nutcases that put down a deposit on a motorcycle you haven't even seen in the flesh yet may be in trouble. And there's more bad news:
"Races may be canceled," stated Gammera, "unless we can trap bird in big-ass cage. Difficult prey, though. Birds very hard to track."
I'll say. See what happens when nuclear engineers are allowed to partake of yummy baked goods at work? I only hope none of the riders are carried away like rodents during the race, and we learn from this tragedy. It just goes to show you that. . . wait a minute. Why is it getting so dark? I smell qualifying fuel. People are pointing up at the sky. . .
Oh NO!
HAYABILLAAAAAA!!!!!!
ENDS
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