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By Ohlin MetzelerMILAN, Italy (VPI) Never underestimate the power of corporate rivalry. Never. You can go and underestimate other things, like the intelligence of dogs or the corrupt hearts of politicians, but don't you go around underestimating what I just mentioned. The two biggest rivals in World SuperDuperBike are fencing with engine formats, and somebody's gonna get poked in the eye if they aren't careful.
"We are tired of people who point to our bigger engines as the reason we wipe up the series with the backsides of others," mumbled Ricardo Cosa Nostra, an extremely large man who wears a 996SP around his neck as a piece of jewelry. "We beat people because it's what we do. It ain't 'cause we got some big friggin' cylinders and all those other little pencil-neck teams are running some little bitty tiny baby pistons. Understand? Listen midget, we'll win no matter what kinda motor we gots in the thing."
I tried to get in a question at this point, but this continent in a nice suit just kept talking. Oh, like I'm going to stop this guy?
"Whine whine whine, that's what these losers do," he continued, while munching on a buffalo wing made out of a real buffalo. "They say that next year, that company called Hyundai of whatever their friggin' name is, is gonna run a Twin like ours and they thing they're gonna win. Oh, just 'cause you grew a pair you think you'll beat us? You gonna stop us from spanking everybody? Huh? What, you gonna tell some little birdie not to fly? I don't THINK so. We'll beat everybody even if we put a rubber band motor in our bike."
Lest you think Mr. Nostra is somehow associated with Ducati, he isn't, but nobody has the courage to remind him he's actually employed as a human forklift in a bowling ball factory in Rome. But this supertanker of a man may just be right about something. Ducati is tired of people pointing to the displacement advantage they've had as a reason for their success, and they want to put this stuff to rest. So, next year while Honda runs a Twin Ducati will introduce a Four.
"The big surprise for next year, besides Fogarty getting two more wives, is the new V-Four Ducati Superbike," explained amasuperbike.com's Italian Bureau Chief and Condiment Replenishment Specialist ,Grasso Pantaloni. "It may look familiar, for it will have an aluminum beam frame, gear-driven camshafts, even HRC on the engine cases. But according to sources, that stands for Happy Racing Champions instead of Honda Racing Corporation. Go figure."
Comparisons with Honda's now-defunct RC45 will no doubt run rampant among the simplistic losers in the print press. Dorks. But, according to our man Pantaloni, this new bike is really a Ducati, not a Honda. Really.
"First, it can't be the same bike because the name is different," he explained while reloading a salt shaker. "It's called the MD-11, which stands for Magna Ducati Eleven. The numerical designation, according to a guy I spoke with in Milan with an oily T-shirt that had Pierre Terblanche's picture on it, is for 'when we need that last little extra push over the cliff on the front straight, we turn it up to eleven.'"
Well alrighty then. So, is an obviously grumpy Ducati going to stop their assault with just attacking Honda's Twin (with its obvious displacement advantage) with their Four with itty bitty pistons in 2000?
"This is only the beginning," explained Pantaloni. "With all those leftover 996 motors they have in the warehouse, they're going to start building ATV's, dirt bikes lawnmowers and portable generators. I even here they're working on a concept car; a joint-venture French-Italian four-door sedan called "D'Accord."
Whoah,, I guess this means war. Red against red, all armed with lawn tractors. This could be ugly.
Very ugly. I can't wait.
ENDS
