FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASECONTACT: Hooter's Restaurants (800) CLE-VAGE
TWEEDEN DEPARTURE FORCES AMA TO CANCEL 2000 SUPERBIKE SERIES
Satire by Ohlin Metzeler
RACHEL, NV (VPI) Oh Lordy-Lord, what is to become of us? As I sit here in the Nevada desert with all these silly UFO's, stealth fighters, stealth bombers, stealth Frisbees and stealth marsh hawks buzzing overhead, do you think I'm all weepy over Y2K stuff, or the fact that the aliens are going to take over the world in January? No. All I can think of is my own misery. How, oh how, will I cope with what has happened?
In case you haven't heard, the 2000-edition AMA Superbike series is probably going to be canceled.
"What," you say, dropping your Mat Mladin Action Figure, who was about to pounce on your Ron Barrick Action Figure sitting on the Buell Sweep Motorcycle with Life-Like Sound. "No Superbike weekends next year?"
It's true. There may be no Daytona 200, Loudon Classic, Big Kahuna Weekend or Joe The Elk Brainerd Stampede in 2000. Within the domestic Superbike community, chaos is the rule at this writing. The powers that be, the powers that would be, and even Austin Powers himself are all tied up in knots over what has happened. Despair is rampant; depression is commonplace.
What am I talking about? Attend: Ben Bostrom will leave this country for World Superbike next year. But that's not the "bummer part," as they say in Southern California, nor is it the reason the series will go belly up (even though it plays a key part in the situation).
The reason is this: Ben's curvy babe of a girlfriend will most likely go with him.
"Dude," you say to me, now spilling your tasty Sobe beach beverage on your Doug Chandler sandals and losing all color in your face. "You can't mean The Tweed is leaving?"
I do mean The Tweed is leaving. If you (scrawny little cheezy-poof that you are) were Ben Bostrom, would you leave the wickedly curvy and bodaciously beautiful Leann Tweeden behind? Hey, is Jesse Ventura gonna be the next Pope?
The impact of this woman's absence cannot be accurately measured using conventional data-acquisition equipment. Suffice it to say, if the Tweed goes it will effectively take away the reason that the racers, teams, fans and Larry Maiers showed up at AMA races in the first place.
These are dark days indeed.
We should have seen this coming. Some of the sharpest tools in the shed did, and they bailed early. Why did Rob Muzzy split from Kawasaki? Forget what you've heard, especially on other sites and in the print media about some sort of changes at Kawasaki causing Rob to leave. The facts is this: He knew Ben would go, taking the Tweed with him. This took away any reason for the Muzz to show up at AMA events, for she was the reason his mustache remained all taut and pointed. Oh, and you thought Chandler's superb victories kept him smiling? Don't be an idiot. Muzzy was usually over in the Vance and Hines pits whenever Doug crossed the finish line, "looking for some pliers I lent Gary Medley a few years ago." Yeah, right.
Hey, if you don't believe the tornado of trauma the Tweed's eminent departure has been causing, check out the Honda pits. Al Ludington and Joey Lombardo are also leaving their longtime jobs to go to another team. Why?
"It is really very zimple," explains amasuperbike.com's Exotic Metals Broker and Part-Time Color Analyst, Owen Crispy. "The Hondas, they were red. The Ducatis, they were red. You see, when the Ludington or the Lombardo see the red, they think the Tweed. She wore tight-fitting red garments, supplied by Mr. Terry Vance who is really good at garment design, by the way.
"The red will drive them mad if they stay with the Honda," continued Crispy, who was dressed as Elton John for some reason and elected to speak with a fake German accent. "They would see zee red, think of the Tweed, get all upset and misty which obscures zee vision. Then, they drop zee torque wrench on Gary Mather's foot, causing him to hop around zee garage in pain and knock over zee RC-51 on Duhamel's bad leg. This in not good, here. So they go to the Kawasaki, which is green. No red there."
Gary Medley has left the other red team for the green one, too. Judging the proximity he had to the Tweed last season, do you think this is just a coincidence?
"This is not a coincidence," confirmed Crispy.
"GET THAT SON OF A BITCH ADAMS AWAY FROM ME," Medley screamed into our ear when we called him in Irvine requesting comment.
But all this moving about may be futile, because with no Tweed, nobody will want to show up anyway.
UNLESS something happens that brings the Tweed back, and it may. I have just received a fax (delivered by a stealth marsh hawk) that says AMA insiders are re-working the 2000 schedule. They realize that if they have plenty of dates next year where there will be an AMA race but no WSB event, perhaps Ben Bostrom will return home to cheer on Brother Eric. He's the kind of guy that would do that; those brothers Bostrom are close. And how would he get to the states? Why the Tweed will fly him, in her Twin-Engined Gulfstream IV, TWEED ONE.
It's red. And has great curves.
I feel better now.
ENDS
