CONTACT: Icarus, Prisoner of Minos (800) WAX-WING
By Ohlin Metzeler

CRETE (VPI) Oh, it may be hunting season, and you guys with your mighty SuperDuty F350 4X4s and elephant guns may think you're gonna bag a few birds in your autumn ritual of slaughter, bloodlust and bonding.  But there are some badass birdies out there that you ain't a good enough shot to nail, Rambo. And more are on the way. They'll coming to a dealership near you. Fast. 

You've no doubt heard about the Suzuki Hayabusa, which is a two-wheeled missile named after a Japanese falcon that is so fast it tends to disintegrate when diving in pursuit of budgies and small private planes.  This is why they are rare, by the way. Anyhow, the motorcycle version of this rapid raptor has apparently gone 200 MPH in stock form (which is over the speed limit in most states). The staggering terminal velocity was big news to motorcycle engineers and bird watchers alike.  

The Hayabusa followed the Honda CBR1100XX, of course, which was also pretty friggin' fast and called the Blackbird. Do you see a trend here? 

"There is definitely a trend here," revealed Pepe Subsonic, amasuperbike.com's resident ornithologist and part-time ornithopter. "The birds are coming, and they will be fast. They are also going to consume a lot of food, too, so I'd cover up any of your possessions that you leave outside that are shiny. Even a small sample of bird poop released at 200 MPH can shatter the windshield of the mighty SuperDuty F350 4X4."

Pepe is a very strange man, who builds nests out of old copies of National Geographic and often dresses as a sumo wrestler; leaping around the office throwing salt on everything (even though he is 6'6'' and weighs 102 pounds). At the spacious and newly vacuumed offices of amasuperbike.com, this upsets Joe the Elk, who almost always shatters the water cooler with one of his massive kicks.

But the birds ARE coming, and this time they won't have feathers or chase Tippi Hedron and pick lustily on her lovely scalp. These migratory monsters will be composed of steel, plastic, and carbon fiber, and be targeted at people who feel the need for quarter-mile ego enhancement.  In response to the Hayabusa, a number of manufacturers (not normally associated with high-performance sport bikes or birds of prey) will market hyperbikes that each company thinks will win them the coveted top-speed crown. 

Oh yeah, there's one more thing before I pass on this exclusive information to a world-wide audience. In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that the following motorcycles will not appear in any of the print mags' "shoot outs" "comparos" or any other of the typical tests or evaluations.  In fact, those loathsome rags will probably never even hear about these things, and if they do it will be too late for them to find one to test. These will be very exclusive machines, and I wouldn't even know about them myself if it wasn't for a strange malfunction in my Ouija board. You see, I was trying to contact the Great Beyond for an exclusive Halloween interview with Lawrence of Arabia about Brough Superiors.  Instead of a conversation about crap brakes, I received the following paranormal fax dealing with these staggering motorcycles:

BMW BLITZSPARROW: Behold, the featherless master of the known universe. Powered by a 2000 cc Boxer Twin mounted in a fore and aft configuration, the Blitzsparrow will be the narrowest production motorcycle in history. A wispy wasp of titanium and whalebone, this Q-tip-shaped machine will tip the scale at 83 pounds yet deliver 200 horsepower at the rear wheel. The Blitz promises the muscle of a beer hall Fraulein with the bite of a Brazilian Viper Falcon, all packaged in a high-tech toothpick that should have a top speed just under 300MPH. And yes, since it is a BMW it comes standard with a centerstand (shaped like talons, of course). 

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON ATTACK PUFFIN:  the bold new company will sell a bold new bird, and unlike most of the other bird-based motorcycles out there this beast bears a strong family resemblance to other, non-aviary members of the EH stable.  The Super-X has turned heads with it's externally-sprung front fork; the Attack Puffin will turn stomachs with its externally-pistoned V-Twin engine. The mighty unmuffled beating of these huge slugs will mimic the strange beating of the Rough Grouse; perhaps starting a whole new battle in the war of Patented Exhaust Noise. Unfortunately, this thing also sounds a lot like a Vietnam-era Huey chopper, which is bound to initiate flashbacks in certain vets. Top speed? No man can say.

NORTON EMU: Bigger is better in the war to reach light speed, and the Emu boasts the largest Wankel rotary engine ever assembled. Weighing over a ton, the latest Norton seats twelve and is capable of sucking the competition into it's massive intake ports with just a casual blip of the throttle. Company spokescreatures deny there is any problem getting the Emu noise-certified, but rumor has it this thing makes straight-pipe Harleys sound like little chicks by comparison. If loud pipes do save lives, this bird will be the safest motorcycle ever manufactured. Is it fast? Does it matter? 

POLARIS VULTURE: Never before has a bird-based motorcycle been shrouded in more secrecy. The Ouija was a bit vague, but I do know this: it's black. It can only run in darkness, thanks to some Lucas-derived solar ignition interface.  It is designed for "maximum chassis rigidity," meaning the Vulture is just a big ol' block of billet with a motor and some wheels.  Apparently a key goal was to keep the number of parts to a minimum, and because of this the first prototype had no brakes and is allegedly still rolling towards the horizon out in Utah somewhere. 

TRIUMPH WARBLER: Easily the trickest tweeter in the coop, the Warbler uses Flammable Aromatic Racing Technology (AMA-spec acronym applied for) in its methane-fueled Flat-9 engine.  Roughly the shape of a big-ass turkey baster, this tremendous Trumpet boasts the longest wheelbase in its class and has three separate kickstands.  Passenger pegs will be shaped as duck feet and can be deployed as speed brakes when stopping for incarceration, a nice touch.  My money is on this British Birdie in the top speed wars. 

ENDS