FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASECONTACT: Ben Matlock (800) HEY-ANDY
By Ohlin Metzeler
TINGVILLE, CA (VPI) A Federal Judge, a big ol' bathtub of a man in black robes who also serves as a test-bed for Old Spice grooming products, has declared that Umpteen-Time 500cc World Champion Mick Doohan is a monopoly and therefore must not be allowed to race freely in the marketplace. This information comes from a fairly reliable source, who watches a great deal of Court TV and claims to have an autographed picture of Raymond Burr taken on the set of "Godzilla, 1985."
"It is clear that Mr. Doohan has an unfair advantage whenever he jumps on a motorcycle. He uses predatory passing techniques, and is rude towards backmarkers," explained the Judge through our source. He then showed video of the talented Australian World Champ that illustrated absolutely nothing. "There. you see?", he stated to the packed courtroom.
"Furthermore, Mr. Doohan has done great damage to the Jerez circuit in Spain by defacing an advertising placard with his body during an alleged warm-up crash," the Judge continued when the lights came up. "This sign might have been used to inspire other riders to go faster, thus endangering his Championship hopes. Therefore, he attempted to destroy it. Mr. Doohan is clearly a naughty, naughty man."
When this reporter questioned this scenario, and pointed out (via a message delivered by a carrier Hayabusa) that Mick was badly injured in this clearly unintentional crash, the Judge responded in a hostile and predatory manner.
"Who the @#)*$&$%)(&#$)*# let this damned bird in here?" he screamed. "He's crapping all over my briefs and stuff! Nobody does that but me. Bailiff, bring me my laser guided gavel at once!"
Seeing as how this jacked-up adjudicator is not likely to change his mind in this situation, what happens next? What fate awaits the Wizard of Oz? Will Mick be forced to hang up his leathers?
"They may well try to make him hang up his leathers, or maybe stick 'em in a cupboard, or possibly send them out to be cleaned by skilled artisans who live in tents," explained amasuperbike.com legal consultant and part-time cattle prod Tex "Boots" Dissenter.
"Another possibility is that they may X-ray Mr. Doohan, and make him give back all them nuts, bolts, and exotic metals he has in his body to help build motorcycles for the competition," he added. "Or, they may even decide to break him up into several smaller, slower racers. Itty-bitty fellers, probably riding them dinky little 125s. Hell, I don't know. This stuff is so complicated it gives me gas just to think about it. I gotta go re-fry some beans. Adios."
Response to the Judge's decision has varied widely, often depending on whether or not the respondees in question were fans of the rider, competitors, or loyal Australians:
"He wasn't Doohan nothin' wrong," commented a man from Alice Springs who was hunting Japanese Carp in a shallow pond by tossing in an electric toaster oven attached to a gas-powered generator. "They're just messin' about because 'ol Mick is 'arder than they are, you see. It's just a pissing contest. They won't win, in the end. Micky can out-piss 'em all."
This sentiment is not shared by Niles Seizure, a well-known whinging backmarker. "Serves him right," exclaimed the growling foreigner who is sponsored by the Church of Eternal Complaint. "He thinks he's so cool because his motorcycle is so much faster than mine. Everybody knows if I had his bike I could win. Well, I hope they lock him in a dirty, smelly cell and throw away the key. Wah wah wah. Oh dang, I broke a nail. How am I supposed to practice now?"
AMASuperbike.com man about town and full time furry creature, Joe T. Elk had this to say about Doohan being removed from the series: "Ha! And you thought it was boring before!?"
A genuinely rabid racing fan, Quokka Dornathumper, had this to say: "Look, who are these judges, anyway? I mean, where do they get off being so judgmental? Doohan is not a monopoly. He's one of the best racers the sport has ever seen, and if he's not as exciting or dynamic as King Kenny or Schwantz, that's just too damn bad. He's a true Champion, and has the trophies and scars to prove it."
I thought we were finished speaking at this point, but then a companion to this person, an odd little troll of a man, got in my face.
"Mick's not like [a well-known software company in the news], he continued. "They are pure evil. Why do you think they call it the Gates of Hell? People who defend that mangy corporate enema should be sealed in a pit of their own droppings and jolted regularly with a toaster oven powered by a gas-powered generator. Make that a Repsol Honda gas-powered generator. They're a boil on Satan's butt, and I should know."
This expressive person then ran serpentine-style to his vehicle, which was plastered with Apple stickers, Repsol stick-ons and Pokemon slogans.
These are strange times. . .no wonder everyone is stressed out.
Except me.
ENDS
