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CONTACT: Bigfoots Anonymous (800) FUR-SUIT

DAYTONA (VPI) Holy guacamole, amigos and amigas. I've really stepped in it this time, and it's deep, nasty, and quite unexpected.

I really was out to find the poop, either. No way, Jose. I was minding my own business, and was totally focused, preoccupied and obsessed with the concept of traction controls and how, according to a friend with a much larger brain than mine, a clever bloke could get a system by the AMA tech inspectors.

Then, WHAM! Not the kind of thing you expect to hear when you step in the poop, but that's the way it happened. Actually, I didn't step in the poop as much as get knocked down by it.

Come, gentle reader (or vile scurrilous lout who scans these pages just to find typos, grammatical miscues and references to impure sexual liaisons). Let me take you by your carbon fiber-encrusted racer-rep glove and share the extraordinary journey that was my day.

It was mid-afternoon. The track was drying out, and so was I after a serious trip into the House Wine Reservoir at the Olive Garden that started the previous evening and lasted into the present morning. Sort of. Anyway, I was sniffing around looking for evidence of confiscated traction-control technology in the Daytona Security Guard's Technology Center, when I ran headfirst in the Future of AMA Superbike racing. This was no abstract vision, but Woody Woodpecker.

Now, in case you have been napping, or visiting some other web site that waits to steal stuff off of this one, you know that Honda has landed Universal Studios sponsorship complete with Woody Woodpecker as part of the deal. This is big news, and could begin a new era of outside support that may prove very good for the sport. I have no clue why the big H selected The Master Peck himself as the racing team's mascot, though. I guess this is OK. If it were moi, I would have picked the shark from Jaws, but that's me. I have close ties to the sea.

Back to the WHAM! I was knocked down by this six-foot woodpecker, and once I regained consciousness I followed his Honda HP-4-stained tracks way out into the paddock, and then into the secret underground bunker where Gary Van Voorhis keeps his fleet of high-tech bicycles for testing on the high banks.

I carefully snuck around, remaining out of sight from the substantial crowd of factory crew members who were stationed like so many pit crews around a large, well-lighted theater-in-the round (sponsored by Dunlop, of course, and resembling a massive, dual-compound slick).

On stage where a number of mascots, who were clearly doing some pre-season testing. The Honda Woodpecker was there, doing a strange sort of victory shuffle, while the Kawasaki Godzilla was prancing around and spitting fire like a rock star, all while stomping on toy motorcycles representing the other teams. The Ducati Duck, a strange amalgam of a mallard and the Terminator, was likewise testing some new footwear by running around the stage, then doing a strange Desmo Dance, and finally cussing like a drunken Italian sailor. I think he was cussing. His accent was pretty thick.

The Duck was being closely followed by a massive, sweaty porker with a beard and numerous tattoos, who, obviously was the Harley Davidson Pig (or Hog as it will no doubt be called in press releases). It sort of reminded me of Babe all grown up, with some serious personal baggage and an obvious fondness for suet.

It was fascinating to watch the Pig and the Duck, for much like riders like to hook up and play in the draft over on the track, these guys seemed to pull a similar strategy while practicing what ever the hell it is that mascots do. Unlike the Duck, though, the Pig ran out of steam pretty quick.

Suzuki had some kind of weird cowboy/samurai dude (a new Suzuki Samurai?) that looked a lot like Kevin Schwantz with a cowboy hat and a sword. It may, in fact, have been Kevin Schwantz with a cowboy hat and a sword. Hard to say.

Finally, Yamaha had the coolest Mascot of all. Picture Laura Croft mating with a synthesizer, and you've got it. They may not have the fastest bikes out there, but I guarantee they will be running up front when these mascots start whipping the fans into a frenzy.

Now, the big question is, who are the people in these suits? Well, the Suzuki Samurai may have been Kevin Schwantz playing himself, or it could have been Jerry Reed. I'm convinced that the Honda Woodpecker may have been outgoing Race Director Gary Mathers, or perhaps Gary Christopher (as he doesn't have enough duties at Honda, and has excessive free time).

The Kawi Godzilla showed indications of being Rob Muzzy, especially in terms of the efficient, powerful combustion display coming out of the Great Lizard's mouth. And the Ducati Duck? He had the grace and energy of Eraldo Ferracci, which also explains the accent. It has long been assumed the Muzz and Ferracci would be back in AMA racing this year, and they just well may be.

The Harley Pig? Who knows. My money is on Zeppo Davidson, the Davidson brother who you don't see very often. And Yamaha's Laura Croft clone? I think it's Bob Starr, after some sort of an operation. He's pretty fit, and definitely a cheerleader. He'd do a fine job.

Is this scenario scaring you? It should. The world is in flux, my friends, from elections to racing sponsorships with animated peckerheads. Strap your helmets on, and lock your visor. It's going to be a very bumpy ride.

By the way, did you know that if you put jet fuel in a Laverda supermotard and start the bastard, it shoots a piston right out the block and scares the hell out of the Flamminis?

Just so you know.