CAMERONVILLE, MA (VPI) The Rule of Law. You've heard about it quite a bit lately, for some pundits claim it must be adhered to at all times like a freshly boiled sports bra to a buxom umbrella girl.

Others who do not share this incredibly sexist view say that these Strict Adherence people are vile crankcase goo dressed as humans, who are only using technicalities and hypocrisy to advance their sinister, selfish agendas.

Or so they believe.

Me? I don't really fall into either school of thought. I tend, rather, to fall into the poop instead. Or, rather, I step into the glorious poop of Yuletide cheer. I then scoop the unscoopable, whether the news is good, bad, or dangerously neutral.

And this news is not good.

Or so I believe.

"Oh no," you whine, after taking a hit off of the Christmas Helium tank which was supposed to be used solely to inflate airborne nativity scenes, you scoundrel. "Not bad news during the holidays?!"

It's only bad in a material sense, so quite whining. Count your blessings. Even the dangerously neutral ones.

And what is this exclusive news?

Well, if any of you are really expecting something special from the A-rider for Jolly Old Elf Racing (a team that, strangely, uses Agip racing fuel and a mixture of oats), you may be in for a rather long wait.

Yup, it's true. That carbon fiber cylinder head or polished balsa wood swingarm you're expecting to see filling up your Spidi stocking may not arrive on Christmas morning. Why? Well, rule is rules. They must be adhered to like a freshly boiled sports girl to an umbrella bra.

Or so I believe.

You see, in order for you to receive your aforementioned special something you're expecting on Christmas morning, it has to be delivered by a guy riding something very trick indeed. Something that can lap Daytona in the blink of an eye. Leap through the air like Jeremy McGrath on a Viagra-powered pogo stick. Out-brake Time Itself. And, do all this with very few pit stops.

No problem, right? Sounds like a tuning job for The Great Muzzy, a man who is jolly, brilliant, and appreciates facial hair. But in this case, the tuning of the North Star (or some call it Polaris) RC-00 Supersleigh fell into the hands of Tuning maestro (and Lead Elf) Frodo Centauri, who is hopping mad about what happened when said vehicle went through AMA Tech Inspection.

"Your damn right I'm hopping mad," he confirmed while sprinkling the floor of his shop with Fairy Dust after a minor oil spill. And hopping.

"I haven't been this angry since they were going to cast me as Mr. Spock in Star Trek, and then changed their minds because they said I was too short and alien-looking. Racist bastards. I'd sue, if I wasn't an elf."

Elves don't believe lawyers really exist. Just so you know.

Anywho, the problem that has caused all this elfin hopping was this: the AMA Tech Inspectors found all sorts of "violations" of the "rules" regarding the "specs" of the "sleigh" in question.

These included the use of excessive numbers of quotation marks, oddly enough.

Or so I believe.

Here's why I believe it:

"Oh man, this thing is the most blatant piece of rule-breaking, yet festive, crap I've ever seen," said AMA Tech Inspector Winston Marlborough as he gazed knowingly at the Fat One's ride. "First of all, the thing has a totally illegal windscreen, because it's made out of Fairy Moonbeams. As you may remember, these were banned after some were found on Lawson's Yamaha after he won his last Daytona 200."

I, for one, was not aware of that. He continued:

"The Blitzen has clearly been tweaked out of spec, because his antlers have been sanded several thousands under the limit. The saddle is mink, which was banned ages ago because it was discovered that it causes Activism. The list of infractions is endless."

Marlborough stopped at this juncture to inspect my boots, which he determined were Vasque Hiking Boots from Red Wing, Minnesota, and therefore not only legal, but quite desirable. He put a sticker on them, and then continued.

"What were these guys thinking? Like, we're not going to notice this stuff? Check out the tail on the Comet. It's way too long, especially for Daytona. Judging from the emissions coming out of the Cupid, there's some kind of illegal fuel being used here that is way over the barley limit. Furthermore, the Donnor is underweight and the Rudolph has no safety wire. They've got a lot of work to do if they want to get this thing in the Big Race by Sunday."

"Ha. We'll be ready," responded Centauri after reading the violations. "Magic is what we do. Never underestimate the power of Elves."

Or Elks. Joe the Elk has indicated he will sub for any reindeer that can't pass another inspection. He knows he will pass, too, because he's been lifting tech stickers off the AMA bench using his massive tongue while I was conducting interviews. That, and the fact that Tech Inspectors fear him when he's angry. So do we, in fact.

But he's not angry now. He's merry. He hopes you and yours will be, too, for the duration of the holidays and beyond.

And he hopes you'll get that Rich "The Devastator" Oliver Action Figure you so desperately want.

Or so I believe. Cheers!

Ends