Satire by Ohlin: AMA Announces Pace Cars To Be Used At Each Race


Saturday, April 01, 2006

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: Prompt Pit Stops Assn. (866) GIT-RDONE

RACECONTROL, OH (VPI) Have you ever heard the expression of chasing good pace cars with bad pace cars? Me neither. But the guy who uttered this expression to me was hopelessly high on race fuel fumes and kielbasa, and had no clue what he was saying.

Hey, it happens. The fuel. The kielbasa. There’re there, and sometimes they get inhaled in excess. But just because you’ve overindulged in octane and charred meat on a stick (and therefore are flying higher than Michael Jordan’s Stetson), it doesn’t mean you can’t make the odd valid point now and then.

And there is a point in this man’s strange declaration.

What I think this person meant, in his haze, is that (like the well known expression “throwing good money after bad”) you shouldn’t launch more pace cars just because you think one pace car was fun to drive and had power over some very powerful motorcycles. Or, to put it in more politically friendly terms, a pace car at one race (allegedly) brought the field under control during a potentially dangerous racing situation, so let’s do it again, man.

If I may be allowed to point out the freakin’ obvious, this is so messed up on so many levels. It’s a genuine multi-level mess, like a parking garage full of Yugos or a stack of glow-in-the-dark Frisbee(TM) pancakes.

First, I don’t need to tell you the one-man/one Accord Pace Car Incident at Daytona is mired in controversy. There were serious issues involved and in the eyes of many (even those not high on race fuel fumes and kielbasa) some seriously bad decisions were made. And during this controversy, some folks actually questioned the logic of having a pace car out there at any time, especially when a few years ago a Pace Pontiac driven by an Aztec (or maybe it was an Pace Aztek driven by a Pontiac Indian) was the cause of an accident where several of our boys got hurt.

Man, that was ugly in so many ways.

All our boys involved with this incident are OK now, but Pontiac no longer makes the Aztek. You have to give GM some credit here, because they clearly realized these failed origami vans were as dangerous as they were hideous. You see? They lived, they learned.

But things are different now, all over the USA. Such common sense has vanished like the flaming combustipuke of a rich-running Superstock machine.

There is foul stuff afoot, Souplings, and we live in foul times.

We have a situation where everywhere you look, people that suck at jobs are not only not being sacked, they’re actually being promoted. This practice is rearing its ugly butt everywhere, from the darkest corner of team transporters to the highest, darkest corridors of power in places like Pickerington and Washington, D.C.

Along with this poopish promotion of pathetic people we see failed policies not only being continued, but expanded proudly like the busty Pam Anderson fairing of a certain Buell race bike. Yeegods. Think I’m bluffing? OK, Bucko, here’s a press release inside of this press release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: Barracus Maximus, Race Emperor (866-BAD CHOICE)

AMA IMPLEMENTS BRILLIANT UNIVERSAL PACE CAR EDICT

PINKERINTONVILLETOWN, OH (AMANews, Inc.) Our Glorious leader Barracus Maximus the Wise has decreed that all AMA Superbike and supporting class races will now use cool, air-conditioned pace cars instead of old, inferior, failed red flags. We say goodbye to the old, and embrace the new! Pace cars rule and make us glad; four wheels good, two wheels bad.

This policy goes into effect immediately. The AMA committee system has been consulted in this decision, and have unanimously said it was a brilliant idea (except for those whose votes weren’t recorded due to sudden, violent trauma to their physical personage).

That is all. All Hail Barracus. And he gets to drive the cars.

ENDS

You see? This is a bit loony, yes? I tried to figure out how this could have happened, and had to ultimately consult the New Hire, our brand-spanking-new Superbikeplanet.com AMA New Rule Analyst/Spark Plug Gapping Specialist, Delauro “Dell” Beanunit.

“Dude, if only Dean had have hired me sooner!” Dell exclaimed, while carefully examining his gold-plated gapping tool. “I saw all this stuff coming. I knew the moment they pulled out the pace car at Daytona that another phase of a scheme was underway. It’s all part of a larger plan, Holmes. Wheels within wheels.”

I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about, but it’s not the first time somebody called me Holmes. Or Sherlock.

“It is all so plain, I’m amazed you can’t see it,” Dell continued. “It’s NASCAR, man! They are behind the pace car deal. They’re trying to completely push motorcycles off the planet. Look at what is subtly happening on Speed TV. More NASCAR, less motorcycle racing, day by day. The pulled the pace car out during the 200 for no good reason, and ruined the race. This also served to make the pace car the center of attention. You See? Now by getting the pace car out there at all AMA events, they’re trying to interrupt the two wheelers completely by sticking their fat, slow auto asses on the track.”

The Horror. The Horror.

“And it’ll get worse,” he continued, while gapping a priceless iridium plug from the Orient. “They’ll try to win the crowd over by painting and dressing up the cars. You wait and see. They’ll make the Official Barber Pace Car look like a giant spider and the crowd will be Afraid, then Awed. Oh yeah, and Shocked. Soon the fans, being the cravers of sensation they are [you know who you are, you cravers] will demand more Fear, Awe and Shock, and more pace cars. The TV will focus on the pace cars instead of the racing, and all will be screwed.”

Damn. I hate it when All is Screwed. It makes one feel like a Fool, on the first day of April. Sheesh.


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